However today my boo texted me "haha making an apple
pipe" after I asked what he was doing. He did tell me that he was doing it
the night before, and hearing it did hurt. I told him that I wasn't too fond of
my boys smoking weed, and mentioned that the biggest reason why my first
boyfriend and I separated was for that reason (my first boyfriend was a daily
smoker).
I didn't appreciate him reminding me that he was making a
pipe and implying that he is about to smoke.
As soon as he said that, I responded "Boo…" On impulse, I put
on my headphones so that the alleviating voices of Boyz II Men can help me get
over it. In any situation where I feel disappointed because of something love
related, I usually find relief in this one song by Boyz II Men, with other
artists to complement right after.
I don't want to introduce this part of me to my boo early
in this relationship. I know that I will have to bring this up because I am
truly not okay with it at the moment. I hinted the magnitude of my disappointment
by saying, "Yes… made me listen to music that I listen to after 'stuff'
happens."
I wonder if anyone else feels this way--anyone else who
maintained a record of never voluntarily smoking any sort of smoke in their
life. It bothers me to be troubled by this because I am not exactly sure why I
am troubled. Is it because of FOMO (fear of missing out)? When my first
boyfriend did it, I had a strong desire to try it, usually when we are together
alone in my car, but he prohibited me too because of my smoke-free streak.
He would bring out that colorful, yet weird looking,
pipe. I would watch him put weed in the opening of the other end and wait for
him as he lighted it up and breathed in the smelly smoke. Thoughts would come
up (yes, I am currently realizing my emotions as I write this and hopefully
also realize the reason why I don't like my bf's to smoke…blogging does remedy)
such as "why is my bf doing this thing he enjoys, and I am
not," "what is it about smoking that's so good," "does he
value smoking over me?" That last
thought just hit me now.
When you feel that your special someone values something
more than you, you would feel very, very jealous and in way 2nd tier. Think
about it. It is like having your special someone cheating on you. From an article I read on wikihow.com (unsure
of original author), "Cheating has ruined many relationships." When
your special other is with someone else, it would make you wonder why
someone else was better than you. For me in this case, why is weed better
than me? Can I not bring the feeling they desire? And if not, do they need it
despite being with me?
Weed is an experience and brings about a feeling one
cannot attain otherwise. However I look at all smoking activities as a form of
drug to bring peace to the smoker. Like cigarettes, I find the act of smoking weed
no different: disgusting. Some people do it as a causal thing with friends, and
I try to understand this from a drinking point of view. However, I don't have
to drink if I don't want to and can abstain from it when with friends.
I also dislike it when my bf/date says that I shouldn't
do it for them or in general. This further strengthens the feeling of FOMO and
makes me feel like I cannot engage in activity with him that he enjoys (imagine
not being able to enjoy Disneyland with your family and you are stuck waiting
outside at the gates).
I also dislike it when they say that weed "is a
part" of them. That is complete bullshit unless they are complete losers. Unless
the weed is physically attached to them and continuously being lighted by some
internal fire system (like a dragon) so that they are high most of the time and
not by their will, I can refuse to believe that weed is a part of them. It is
an external thing that is learned to like. I don't like it because I didn't
learn to like it and chose not to bring this external thing into my life.
Is there hope for me to find any guys drug free? Yeah. Most
of my friends don't smoke. I was actually surprised by how many of them have
never done it or tried it, like me, and also finds it repulsive.
What do you think? Most of you reading this probably
smoke or have tried it. But try to put yourself in my position. I grew up with
many strong values—among them, learning that smoking is bad for you. I have never
smoked or done any drugs. I drink alcohol, but it wasn't until I got into
college, freshman year spring semester that I began drinking. I can easily stop
drinking all together because I actually don’t enjoy it as much. For the
record, I'm gay and right now committed to a relationship. How would you feel
if your bf/date smokes and says that "this is a part of him?" Would
you destroy your streak of being smoke free to smoke with him? Would you find
someone else?
