An Epiphany

Today, while sitting in my Poetry, Music, Sound class, I had an epiphany. It was startling to me in its implications, and probably will change my life. The novel idea was this: that I spend most of my time worrying about myself. More specifically, worrying about how I look, how I come across to others, or whether I will be liked.

I sort of boiled it down to this complex-simple thought: In everyday life, I project an air of confidence, or overconfidence. Sometimes this boastfulness comes out in large groups, when I tend to make my most random comments. I think that's why people think I am an extremely random person (or, conversely, a very shallow person).

But I thought about it some more. Where does this overconfidence come from? I think my cockiness (which isn't always apparent, but appears from time to time) stems from insecurity, leading me back to my insecurity.

I have a feeling many people deal with the same problem of overconfidence vs. insecurity. In trying to grapple with both problems, we paradoxically become both overconfident and insecure.

So I asked myself, what's the solution (i.e. the way out)? There must be some happy medium between the two, between being self-conceited and being unconfident. This state of being, I think, is a stoic one. The best image I can think of is a eagle with its wings spread out, gliding across the wind currents. It's almost like a humble righteousness. In Korean, I think there's a perfect word for the ability to do this, day in, day out. It's SHIK-SHIK-HA-GAE. "Shik," as you may be able to tell, is an assertion of purpose and determination. You can just hear it in the syllable: "shik." But then you have two "shik's" next to each other. To me (and I don't know if this is correct from a Korean language perspective), that ordering just reinforces the sort of strength of will implied by "SHIK-SHIK-HA-GAE."

That's my answer to this supposed double-bind of overconfidence vs. insecurity. Let's march boldly forward. Shik shik ha gae. With faith in the One who exemplified this humility and righteousness, this bravery and perseverance, and this steadfastness and loyalty so that we could learn from His example.